A Letter To My Family
Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004, 6:53 p.m.

This letter is for my family... my in-laws to be exact. This letter will only be here for a few days and then will be marked private so that I can forget all about it.

Let me start this letter by telling each and everyone of you, that I do love you. I care about your wellbeing and every aspect of your life. Each night before I go to sleep, I keep each of you and your loved ones in my prayers. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. If you choose to continue reading, do not become upset� read all the way through so that you can get a feel of what Ashley and I have been feeling for many years now.

The path of our relationship has been a very rocky one, at times non-existent. I have had to endure countless sleepless night comforting my husband who was in agony because he had chosen to follow his heart and not the wishes of his family� I never have told Ashley that he could not talk to you all or to stay away from you all� never. I did however tell him that if the conflict was making him so miserable, then maybe he should distance himself from the situation.

I was often made to feel like the outsider� someone clearly not wanted in your family. No one truly ever took the time to get to know me. Judgments were made about me from jump street, courtesy of assumptions and rumors. It was amazing how little of an effort was made to know the woman your son/brother had chosen to spend the rest of his life with. Granted, we met under very unusual circumstances, but it was not as though we were having a fling that lasted a mere 6 months. We lived apart for well over a year and a half before deciding to move in together. Another six months before we married.

We knew that it would take some time for the families to accept our choices. Ashley and I were very panicky to go see my parents. My mother has never been a fan of interracial relationships and so it was presumed that bringing home my white fianc� was going to raise an uproar. But it didn�t. She accepted Ashley immediately and took him in as her son. We considered that hurdle crossed� dealing with the P�s would definitely be easier. We were sadly surprised at how mistaken we were.

By the time we were preparing to marry, there was still tension in the air. A very thick cloud hovered over our relationship but through it all, Ashley and I decided that no matter what, we would stick it out. Kay was sending some pretty awful letters, siblings were calling and yelling� it was an awful time to plan a wedding� so we didn�t. We decided to keep us as private as possible and have a courthouse wedding. The only people invited were my parents.

In planning the reception, we gave EVERYONE ample time to make arrangements. Especially considering that we got married in October and did not have the reception until May. We knew that this would be the event that would seal everything� make us all whole. Again, we were wrong.

As the reception approached, news came that Kay and Hugh were dirt poor broke. They could not attend because they were so poor that they were eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They had just given the last bit of money to someone in need. We were told that Jen and Grant were going out of town and were on a tight itinerary. I do not recall why Steve and Amy could not attend. We were initially ok with all of the reasons, but soon, we spoke to Steve who then told us that Kay and Hugh were building a new house and had just paid cash for a new Rodeo. That really hit Ashley hard. I will never ever forget the look on his face when Steve told him that. And he did such a good job acting as though he knew about it all, but once he hung up the phone, he just wept. It was awful. Then word came that Jen and Grant were going to DisneyWorld, traveling right down I-75. They had chosen to do that because Macon was where Grant did his mission.

I remember the day of our reception so vividly, as though it was yesterday. Ashley was humiliated that no one from his family was there� he often spoke of Jen driving down I-75� hoping maybe they would stop. But that never happened. A day that should have been full of joy ended up being a miserable one for him.

As the years passed, things got worse before they got better. There was a lot of tension in the air. A lot of animosity, hatred and disappointment as well.

In 2000, Ashley joined the AF and I know many people were not too happy with that decision, myself included, but as his wife, I supported his decision. At the time, he and I were going through a very rough patch in our marriage. While he was away at boot camp, he was living in uncertainty because I was contemplating divorce. His graduation was approaching and he was sure that FINALLY his family would be there to support him. Wrong again. I don�t exactly recall the reasoning behind this one but I do know some of it was financial. But I do know that over the years, everyone was zig zagging across country to see each other. Ashley was certain that at least his brother would show up since after all he did live in TX. He called and asked me to come as well; just in case. By now, we had become accustomed to the constant disappointments and what felt like betrayals from the family. I went to the graduation, and no one else did. This blow was even worse than the reception. I think mainly because by now, we were all communicating. The past was in the past.

A week after graduation, when Ashley arrived in at Sheppard, somehow people found there way there. We began to feel as though you all were trying to avoid ME.

The following year, Hugh passed and that was very hard on Ashley. What made it hardest was that in his time of grief, a decision had to be made as to �whether or not his wife should attend the funeral with him� because he did not want to create tension by bringing me. I ended up deciding for him, that it would be best if I stayed at home. I can�t even begin to imagine what he may have been feeling inside during this time. Since Hugh�s death, Ashley often expresses sadness that things could not have been better so that I could have met him. What a horrible burden for him to have to carry.

Forward to 2003. Kay, Steve and Amy decide to come visit. By now� I am all drained of any type of �ugh� sentiment I may have had towards your family. Ashley asked and I said fine. I no longer cared� either way. There was no good or bad to come from it. I was numb� lacking emotion.
And that is really how I had been until this visit.

I am glad you all came. It was great finally meeting everyone. Almost 10 years in the making.. but hey, better late than never. There was something about this time though, that just put my mind at ease. I don�t know what it was� and honestly, I don�t feel any more accepted than I did before� but I am ok with all that now. I think because it has been 10 years of feeling �unwanted, unwelcome, uninvited, unloved� I will always have a tinge of that. But right now, it no longer is my central focus. You like me, you don�t like, it doesn�t really matter. We�re family and will be for years upon years to come.

Jen, you did nothing wrong. There is nothing for you to feel bad about. No need for tears or sorrow. It is impossible to wipe away 10 years of �this�. However, we do have years and years and years to start something new. To make a fresh start, which is what I have chosen to do. This is a good thing. I don�t have kids yet� so they have not been affected by anything.. And now the air is clean, it�s all out in the open. I love you. Everything is fine.

As for the rest of the clan, I have nothing but love for you all. Let us wipe the slate clean and move on. No words, no tears, no comment, no letter, no nothing can rewrite, change or make me forget the past. It is that past that I can now stand on that allows me to build a better future for all of us.

�

add a comment (5 so far)

fallen petals - new blooms