Here's Hoping That Hope Won't Dodge The Bullet
Tuesday, May. 11, 2004, 1:59 p.m.

I am going to murder Hope.

Now before you head off and call the cops, for those who do not know, she is not a real person. What she is is a nagging, annoying, whiney voice in my head who is insisting that I am currently pregnant. I named her Hope forever ago (and am glad to realize that many others do the same) right after my first encounter with the overwhelming desire to have a child took over every fiber of my being.

In the beginning, I did not mind having this psycho as a part of my day-to-day life, but throughout the years she has really gotten out of control. Back in 2001, she took total control of me to the point that I went and got furniture and clothes for a child who didn't even exist. I was so certain that I was pregnant I didn't even want to pee on a stick. In my mind, there was no reason to do so. Even if I had, I doubt I would have believed it if it had been anything but positive. When Mr. Cottontail (what I nicknamed my period when I discovered the world of tampons) arrived, I fell apart. That was the final straw for me. I gave up on taking my temps, taking pills and seeing Dr.'s for about 2 years.

When I decided to start trying again (with outside help) I got a restraining order against Hope and thankfully she has been put of my hair... until now. Having her gone has made life a lot more enjoyable. It took that "freak" factor out of everything. I found myself not buying every book, or sitting on the web looking up information all day and night, I wasn't at the library trying to convince the ladies there to let me check out all 20 books instead of their limit of 8. Life has been so nice.

I guess what disturbs me now, is that I don't know where she came from. I haven't really been thinking about children. Granted, I have been doing my homework and talking to people. I looked into donor eggs and decided not to go that route. I did a major investigation into the world of surrogacy and found someone (only to later decide to put that idea on hold.) So, why NOW? Now that I am doing pretty much nada about my infertility. Of course, now that I am being nagged like mad, I have ordered Ashley back to the Dr. for testing and I am going to go and get some new Rx's.

However!!! I refuse to be driven insane this summer. I have so much planned, so many things I want to do and see. Kevin just hired me to be his manager. He is well-known for his poetry and writings in our town but that isn't going to do much for his career. We are also discussing self-publishing the first part of his book so we can get people interested in it. Hopefully that will attract some publishers. Plus this weekend Ashley and I are going to the mountains. Can you imagine me, with no TV sitting in a cabin? Hope is going to be going crazy!!

And that is why I have no choice but to kill her.

***

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Vagina :: Pink
2. Racism :: So Yesterday
3. Mother's Day :: Something I Dread
4. Fire alarm :: Run
5. Elvis :: Is Dead
6. Pregnant :: I Wish
7. Vacation :: I Need One
8. Waffles :: Yuuuum
9. Perpendicular :: Sleep
10. Hospital :: Sick

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