I Am So Hormonal!!
Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004, 3:13 p.m.

I have moved... visit my new site over at http://infertileme.typepad.com. However, you can still read today's entry below.

To make matters worse, I am so nauseous. Ashley brought me home some Burger King and it looked lovely as he pulled it out of the bag, but the minute those fries got near my face, I found myself on the verge of puking my guts out. I ended up dumping the fries all over the floor for the dogs to eat. I then made the decision to drive into town past 20 feed lots and their piles of shit. I am sure my face was green the whole way there. I have now returned home and become a crying mumbling mess while the Geico gecko sings "Everybody was Kung foo fighting." When in the hell will this end?

Last night I heard through a very long grapevine that Chinese people do not like the name Victoria because of Queen Victoria or whatever. This sent me spinning out of control as I tried to find a new name. I asked Ashley to help me find something new but he refused to budge. He said we were going to call our daughter Victoria regardless. Something in me just doesn't feel right about that decision. He then said he would pick a name once he saw her birth name which sounds really crazy to me. I just don't see Ashley (the King of Procrastination) sitting down and coming up with a name the day we get our referral. Or the day after that or that the day after that day... I know him well. Once he sees her picture he will be calling people and emailing others and preparing to travel. The LAST thing on his mind will be picking names. Oh well.

This morning I received an email from my sister asking me to explain my decision to adopt (from China of all places) and not to do IVF. I swear, I have answered this question or inquiry half a dozen times. But, I'll do it one more time.

For me, my hands were tied. They are actually still tied. When we lived in Milwaukee, Ashley worked for a wonderful company making boat loads of money with 100% insurance coverage. When something was wrong, I could go see them and they would fix me up nice and pretty. It was through that insurance company that I discovered I was infertile. It was at their insistence that I began going through the motions trying to get pregnant. I went through it all with them... When Ashley joined the Air Force, all of that changed. Our current insurance covers close to NOTHING dealing with infertility. They will not cover anything outside of the scope of one getting pregnant naturally. So, that eliminates any further plans for IUI's and IVF's.

I want a baby. I have wanted a baby for over 10 years. I wanted a baby when I was 16. In High School, all my friends spoke of getting married and having these families and living these wonderful lives as wives. I never had that dream. I never wanted to get married; I just wanted to have a child. Everyone knew this was the case. My parents never asked me when I was getting married. They didn't look at my boyfriends as perspective husbands. When I got married, I think a loud gasp could be heard throughout the south. No one believed it. In fact no one still believes it. Over 95% of my family has never met my husband because we live(d) so far away and when I go home (like I am about to do), I usually go alone. People do not ask my parents how Ashley is... they ask about me and where the grandbabies are.

With all of that in mind, I had to decide what my next step would be. Ashley wanted us to come out of pocket and pay for fertility costs. I think I took that into consideration for about 5 minutes. Then we thought about donor eggs. I couldn't get with that idea either. Ashley and I are not rich. In fact we are barely above poverty levels, courtesy of the military. The pay SUCKS. Having to come up with 15k for IVF or donor eggs and the outcome not being me sitting pretty with a baby was not an option. So, I chose to adopt.

Why China? Because I am not a billionaire who can afford 10k and up for the required foreign fees in Guatemala and Russia. The ages of the children from those countries also seem higher. I want baby, not a toddler. In Russia, I have read that the health of a child can sometimes be a mystery. In Guatemala, you are pretty clueless about their health as well. I chose China because it offered me everything I want which is a healthy baby who is taken care of, an affordable cost and a reasonable time frame. I do not need a child that looks like me to make me happy. I guess being an adopted child myself, I have a different view of things than others. I know that 'blood' does not make a family. Not having my mom�s eyes or nose did not affect me one bit. PLUS, not really knowing my own family history, I have no idea who my child will come out looking like. My brother and his wife have a red-haired baby with green eyes. My brother INSISTED that his wife cheated on him. He left her and the baby only to be slapped in the face with DNA results that showed he was indeed the father. Everyone stood around scratching their head wondering how that could be. I have spoken to my SIL about her child and she tells me every time that that child is her heart and soul and her appearance plays no part of it whatsoever. That is how I feel about adopting from China.

Ashley and I were looking at some sites from families who have adopted from China and a lot of those kids look they belong somewhere in those families. They seem to match kids very well with their parents. I am sure they will do the same thing for us. Then when people who pass us on the street with our baby, they can assume she is adopted or they could think my husband went off to Korea and had an affair during his short tour and brought the baby back with him. That is just fine with me. I don't care what others think. Their thoughts will not make her any less my daughter.

add a comment (0 so far)

fallen petals - new blooms