13 Days...
Monday, Apr. 26, 2004, 7:24 p.m.

Today is one of those days where I clearly have too much time on my hands. I don't know how that is possible because I have been running around doing things since I woke up. I am not going to class because I have lost my hearing. More on that later.

May 9th is Mother's Day... A day that doesn't really affect me much. For as long back as I can remember, Ash has always done something special for me on Mother's Day. He acts as though we have little invisible children; which I adore. So, when Mother's Day arrives every year we go out to dinner or he makes me a cake or he'll give me a little gift.

This year the date that I am dreading, is May 8th. Every year up until now, May 8th has always been a celebration of sorts. It is the day that he moved to Milwaukee, it's the first day we made love, it's the day we moved in together and so much more. (August 25th is the same way... very odd how things happen on the same day for us.) Anyway, this year, it is hanging over my head that it is 8 years... EIGHT YEARS of us trying to have a baby. Someone had the nerve to whine to me that they had been trying for 3 months and nothing. Bitch please. I would kill to be only trying for 3 months. Hell, give me 3 years. Knowing what I know now, year 3 was a breeze.

I think Ashley knows that this year is driving me crazy, so he has planned for us to have a little getaway. We are heading out into the wilderness and then up to Santa Fe. He couldn't have planned anything more perfect.

What I am hoping is that I will be so consumed with Shannon's graduation and everything else that May 8th will come and go and I won't have a moment to dwell on it. I doubt that will happen because I am so engrossed with it now. I have a mini countdown going on in my head. I actually have found myself obsessing over the exact TIME that we had sex. I really hope this shit goes away soon.

Let's talk about something else before I truly go insane.

Last week, I believe it was Thursday, during my mock interview, the hearing in my right ear decided to give. Imagine me in this interview, being asked questions and having to lean forward like I had gone mad. I know I am getting points deducted for that. Anywho - last night, I suddenly lost hearing in both ears. In the middle of the night (while I was watching Iron Chef) I got a little bit back, but things sound like I am in a tunnel. People are mumbling. It's hurts like hell. About an hour ago, it began to feel like I was in a tunnel, up in an airplane. The pressure is horrible and there is nothing I can do to get rid of it. The TV is up so damn loud I bet the neighbors can hear it. I am starting to worry... cause this is not good. Tomorrow, I head BACK to the doctor to see what she can come up with. Of course, they will be about 2 hours behind, she won't have time to deal with it, and then I will get a referral to see another doctor somewhere far away 3 weeks from now.

Ever since I have gotten "sick" I have wavered back and forth about having kids. Last week I didn't want kids... I had the mentality, that maybe like Oprah I was not meant to have kids of my own. She claims she is the mother of the children of Africa. Maybe I am the mother of the orphans in Puerto Rico? Of course, in order to make that happen, I would need to hit the lottery so that I can afford to buy them shoes and so on. Plus, I need the money to build schools and ... Wait, what if I am to be the Mother of Infertility? Hmmm, if I am betting on winning the lottery to be the mother of orphans in Puerto Rico, then I need to actually BUY a lottery ticket. I always say I am going to go and get a lottery ticket and then I drive right by the Allsup's. (Wednesday's Powerball is up to $120 million... I AM going to buy a ticket.) Maybe, I will actually become a grand success in life and my destiny is to be like Jospehine Baker. I'll adopt children from all over the world. There has to be a reason why I do not have kids. God is not cruel. I do not think His plan is for me to suffer through life wanting children and never having any. Perhaps I am being closed minded and not seeing the bigger picture. Who says I am supposed to have kids? Me? Who am I? As much as I believe that all things happen for a reason, I find myself questioning why I am childless. I don't question why I am sick. I don't question why my in-laws disapprove of me. I don't question why we are living in hell. I just go through the motions and look for the positive in everything.

That is something I have always liked about myself. The ability to see the good through the bad which ties in to the reason I never get jealous. I have NO idea what it feels like to be jealous. You have something I want, my brain just kicks into overdrive figuring out how too can have it. I remember when I was younger, dating "The Bastard" - oh wait, that is almost everyone I dated before Ashley - Let me try again. I remember when I was younger and I was dating "The Asshole". When things started off, it was good, and then I found out he was dating some girl who was named something like Quiltylenolsudafed. (I swear her name was almost that long and started with a Q.) I was not upset when I found out... but I was pissed when the bitch decided she wanted to fight me over him. HA! I am not fighting nobody over a man. So, I surrendered... told him to pick and out of loyalty he chose her because they had been together for quite a while. Now, everyone who knew me, knew damn well that I was not going to give up like that! He and I became friends, he talked to me about everything and next thing you knew, he wanted to be with me. He broke up with her, and we started dating. If I had been as smart as I was driven, I would have dumped his ass but I stayed and endured years of abuse and affairs and more. As a teenager/20 yr old I realize now, that I really wanted to be "there" for these guys. I dated men who had no father figures and were idiots.... I felt guilty at the idea of leaving. They needed me. Who cares about what I needed? Thank God I came to my senses and got rid of those habits in my younger years. As my brain matured, I figured how to use that drive to do good for myself. Then I met Ashley and got married. Now I am happy.

You know, I had always said I was never getting married. I was dead serious about that shit too. I had a nice plan that consisted of me meeting my Prince Charming and us living together. I'd pop out a baby or two by the time that I was around 27 and we'd all live happily ever after. When I met Ashley, everyone said I was going to marry him. I thought they were insane, especially considering the fact that I did not like him. LOL. I sure do like him now though.

All right, enough rambling from me for now. Some incredibly stupid show named "The Swan". WTF is this mess? Now, I haven't seen the show, but looking at the preview, who cares if you get chosen to go to the pageant so you can be named The Swan? Isn't it enough that you got a trillion dollars worth of plastic surgery for free? I do not understand what is happening to society. I knew we were heading straight to hell when I saw that promo for the most awful thing on TV courtesy of ABC's 20/20.(Jodi perfectly expresses my feelings on that topic.) They have the nerve to call it Be My Baby and then on the daggone site, they have picture of the mother smiling with Baba Wawa. Oh how people piss me off. Ok enough of that.... I am going now for real.

In closing, keep Karen in your prayers as she prepares to head tomorrow for retrieval. It is HER time... so we need to send her positive vibes. OK? I know all of my wonderful friends and family and readers can make it happen.

*****

Ok.... The Swan just went off. What a crock of shit show that is. "Hey. let's transform you because you are ugly and then have you stand next to another woman and we will choose which one of you goes on to a pageant to be judged again. Meanwhile, whoever we don't choose gets to feel rejected yet again and told she is not good enough!!" Yeah! My kind of show. Pardon me as I cringe in pity for my society.

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