I Am Going To Let YOU Name Me... Make it Good.
Monday, May. 03, 2004, 7:48 p.m.

I am currently watching Fear Factor. Please pardon these next few words...

What in the fuck are these people thinking?

On this particular show, for their gag session, they are having a fly and maggot shake. They blended up some maggots and then tossed in some unblended ones. They then had to suck the maggots out with this big straw and spit it into a shake glass with these LIVE flies in it. Once the glass is full, they shake it up and drink it. It is about as disgusting as disgusting gets. There is chick who is retching uncontrollably and she hasn't even had her turn yet. Is ones dignity worth $50,000? I know mines is not.

When I look at the prizes on shows, the first thing I think is, "Would I let someone sleep with my husband for that amount?" Of course, the answer is usually yes because hell, I have no control over who sleeps with Ash. So then I have to ask, "Would I sleep with someone for that amount of money?" My answer is usually "hell no." Now, sex is nothing serious to me. I can detach myself from situations, and I imagine a 3 minute romp in a bed with someone wouldn't kill me, especially for thousands of dollars. HOWEVER, it's not even remotely feasible to me. With that in mind, knowing I couldn't even demean myself for 3 minutes, how could I do it for 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months?

I couldn't.

I have to applaud those who let nothing stand in between them and money. Maybe I'd be a catrillionare if I put my dignity on a shelf for a bit. But if I did, how well would I sleep? I'd probably be one of those people who wakes up screaming at night because I am having nightmares about scorpions pinching my nipples while I laid in a coffin for 10 minutes. All of my winnings would go to a therapist. Could you do it?

On a lighter, happier note I am going to legally change my name. I have decided to keep that horrendous last name of mine, hyphenate it so it's permanently attached to maiden name... forever and always. I do not have a middle name because my parents could not agree on one; so instead of choosing, they marked me forever as a one name child. It was always annoying because people insist you have to have one. "Monique what?" they ask. "Monique Castro" I reply. "Castro is your middle name?" I often feel at this point that I should start screaming like a mad woman but I don't. Has anyone ever heard of Castro as a middle name? As an adult, I am accustomed to this stupidity I have learned during my 30 years on this planet that no one has ever heard of Fidel Castro. If they have, they think his name is Fidel Kastro or Fidel Castrol. It wasn't until we left Puerto Rico that I learned that Fidel Castrol is CEO and chairman of the company who makes that motor oil for my car. He left America and became a communist leader in Cuba. Facts my history books clearly chose to omit.

Anyway, now that I am married, I have 3 names. I was dumb and chose to not hyphenate my name as stance to show my independence. 'Married but still 100% Monique Castro' was the message I was trying to shout at the masses. Instead, what I did was give the masses a reason to make Castro my unofficial middle name. I get mail daily from companies who insist Castro is my middle name. I guess the confusion about the spelling is still out there, so they just put C. Even my insurance company does it. Along with my bank, health insurance, and school. The military has chosen to make my name one long mass of letters because the space was causing wide spread confusion. When I first got my ID card, it had the ugly C. on it so I went down and caused a ruckus. The lady at the desk asked me, "How are we supposed to know?" Hmmm... well.... let me see... "Maybe it was because I left the 'middle name' space blank?" She actually looked at me with a serious face and said:

"I thought you had made an error."

Is there an epidemic out there of people who do not know their names? Are first, middle and last names getting mixed up now, so data entry people have to make the decision on how it should correctly be? I had not heard about this problem, but I assured her that I was certain my middle name was not Carol or Constance or Conchita or even Castro. To this she raised an eyebrow and asked me, "So why did you put Castro on there?" Is this woman serious? Does she have a mental defect? Am I on a hidden camera show? By now, I was peeved! You should know that whenever I am pissed off, I am at my best. Nothing gets by me. I am like a goalie at a hockey game blocking those pucks. I knew I had to remain calm (I was on a military base).. so I pulled my chair close to her and said, "You work here, on a military installation. Your husband is probably in the military.." She nodded. "You seem like the informative kind of wife. You know everything that is going on. Nothing gets by you. I bet you know all the names of those bad men overseas we might end up having to fight someday." By now, she is nodding and smiling like a proud woman (I don't know why). I decided to ask her while she was feeling all good and proud, "So why in the hell do you not know that Castro is a last name? When you read about Fidel CASTRO do you think he is a proper Cuban man who sells cigars? We speak of him so often because we like him? Does his name make you think of those compound first names like Jean-Pierre, Bobby-Lynn, Sue Ellen?" She huffed and didn't answer me but on my ID my name is spelled and spaced perfectly. Thank you very much.

Sorry for drifting off into left field. I will now return to my point which is that I have no middle name. I want one! And I want you to help me find one. While I search high and low (as though the name is hiding somewhere), my attorney is getting the paperwork ready for me. All I need is THE name. So please help me. My husband is stuck on Monique Kaleila (pronounced kah-LAY-la). Sounds kinda hawaiian-ish. What name do you think goes well with Monique? You can email me the name or add it to the comments.

Thanks for helping me out, I excited to see what everyone comes up with.

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