Mother One vs. Mother Two
Wednesday, May. 26, 2004, 1:50 p.m.

I have moved... visit my new site over at http://infertileme.typepad.com. However, you can still read today's entry below.

I was raised by the most fabulous mother on the planet. She is AWESOME! The light of my life, the beacon of all my strength, and it is nearly impossible for me to envision life without her. Even typing it causes me to have a mini panic attack. No one keeps me as grounded as my mother. People tell me all the time that this attachment to my mother is very dangerous because it is inevitable that one day she will pass. It's not as though I am not aware of that, I guess I am just not ready to let go. I know that if something happens now, I will cease to function. I'd lock myself in my home and lose any and all contact with the outside world. Ashley gets very upset every time I mention this, but right now, it is the truth as I see it.

Several years ago, a good friend of ours lost her mother to cancer. Her mother had been sick for sometime, and was only getting worse, but when she died, our friend seemed so shocked. I went to the funeral with my mom and it really hit home for me. This lady was screaming and shouting "Why?!?!? WHY?!?!?" She was out of control. She refused to let them close the coffin; they had to practically pry her off of it. At the time, I was numb; my mother was sobbing next to me and squeezing the hell out of my hand. I didn't know how to react because I knew, I'd be the same way.

Unlike my mother, my dad is an ass. I can't even begin to describe what I feel for him. I love him because he is my father. But he has never really been a part of my life. My parents have been married for about 35 years or so (I am 30) and I have very few memories of me and my dad. Well, that is not true, I have very few good memories. Even now, as a married woman, my dad can make me feel like utter and complete shit. It seems that no matter what I do, it will not be good enough. Just the other day, I was talking about my education and graduating next year and he said he was not coming to my graduation. When I get my Bachelor's he'll come, but my Associates Degree is a waste of his time. It's not as though I am only getting one degree... I am getting 3!! All in law, while working my way into Law School. My hands are somewhat tied with Ashley in the military... I go to school where I can and that is how it will be until he gets out in 2006. That is another sore subject with my father - My husbands career. Why does he care so much what decision we ADULTS make of our lives. He criticizes everything about me. Meanwhile, he is a drunk who can't keep his dick in his pants. But let us not concentrate on that, all focus should now and forever remain on how "stupid" I am. What does that say about his parenting skills if I am stupid?

My biological mother, who I'll call L., is a nut case. I am so incredibly happy that whatever led to me being put up for adoption happened. She is the most unstable woman, who is a compulsive liar and someone I have no room for in my life. I was adopted when I was 4 months old, and as far back as I can remember I have always known that. My mother always made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world because "I was chosen." No accidents there... no oops moment... she went and chose me. I loved that!! I still do!

When I was in my teens, I began communication with L. At 17, I went to New Jersey and met her and the rest of the clan. I celebrated my 18th birthday with my ENTIRE family. It was such an odd moment because I had 2 mothers there and cousins galore. All of my Aunts and Uncles came to celebrate with us. It was great. Everyone was getting along so well.

After my 18th birthday, I made the decision to move in with L. I felt it was the only way I could get to know her better. I did this with the blessing of my mother and so off I went to a life totally different from my own. L. was living in the Projects (I am a girl from the suburbs.) and life as I knew it changed. I'll get into specifics later (read: tomorrow.)

I have other siblings - A LOT of other siblings, 3 of which were living with her when I moved in. L. also had a 'girlfriend' who was living in the apartment. When I moved in, L. moved a cot into the living room and that is where she slept. When I asked her about her relationship with this other woman, she said they were best friends. I guess she thought I had been born the night before because she really thought I believed that load of crap. She was always telling me and my sisters that her boyfriend was a truck driver and would be home soon. It was then that I realized L. was a natural born liar. During the time I lived there, she lied to me time and time again. She manipulated situations, and made me a prisoner in her world. All of which she justified by telling me how I was stolen from her.

The story of my birth, according to L., goes as such:

She was deeply in love with a man she knew from college and he had to move away to California. Prior to him leaving, they had sex and vowed to meet up again soon. Shortly after that, she began to get sick and had to have several tests done, including an Upper GI. None of these tests revealed that she was pregnant. She went on with her day to day activities, even getting her period as usual, until one day - December 26th - she was walking around and got some cramps. She thought nothing of it until the following day when they became so severe they left her immobilized. As she was walking down the hall in her sisters house, she had to stop and lean against a wall. She squatted and out I fell. Just like that, I was born. She screamed for help, and her sister came running while my uncle called the police. I was clearly a big surprise, and she was not prepared for my arrival. After a few days in the hospital, she went home to get the house ready for me. When she came back the following day to claim me, I was gone. Her proof that she planned on keeping me was that she had named me, which records do show, but then again, they show other things as well.

My birth and adoption records are very detailed. They state that there is no father, because L. claimed she got pregnant after being raped. As for her not knowing, they also show that she hired a mid-wife very early on in her pregnancy. There are several things that tell me, and others, that her version is very far from the truth. No matter how much I confronted her about it, she would deny it.

I realized while I was living with her, that the more I pushed for the truth, the more I put my own safety in danger. She created a web of deceit so large, that she even had my mother believing her lies. She then moved us into a house where she refused to give me the phone number so that no one could contact me. Around that time it became clear to me that I needed to get out soon before something happened to me. In the end, it would be my head on encounter with death that would facilitate a way out for me.

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