To A New Beginning
Monday, May. 24, 2004, 1:31 p.m.

I have moved... visit my new site over at http://infertileme.typepad.com. However, you can still read today's entry below.

I decided to take a small break from life. While I was away I caught a cold, which gave me the perfect excuse to avoid everything and everybody.

I've been watching TV a lot and the motions of the world around me. It is amazing how a few days can slap one back to reality. You know?

I have never really been one to throw myself a pity party. I rarely catch a fit and act whiney because I am without. I have always believed there is a reason why I don't have kids yet and I can not fight that. When it is meant to be it will and if I never have kids then I will have to deal with that.

In those random moments where I sit and feel as though the world is on my shoulders... I have no where to turn... no one to comfort me. A lot of time, I have to meander my way through this muck and bullshit while I maintain a smile on my face, afraid to put my problems on someone else. After all, they did not make me infertile, why should I burden them with it?

I watch a lot of TV (for those who did not know.) Actually, I listen to a lot of TV. While I sit in my office, I usually have the TV on while I talk on the phone, do my typing, talk to others, play games and much more. The TV is always on. I enjoy this, because it honestly keeps me grounded. It never fails that when I am on the verge of bitching about something, some documentary will come on and make me say, 'wow, my life is good.' I remember the first time I heard Jacqui's Story. Talk about a humbling experience. I sat in silence for hours after the show ended and then I went on this quest to see what I could do to help. I wanted everyone to know what drinking and driving does. Years later, I still keep myself updated on what is going on with her. I tell everyone I can about her story and even included links on my own site. About once a week I get an email thanking me... that always brings a smile to my face. If one person sees that and doesn't drink and drive, then I am doing my part.

This weekend, HBO ran a documentary about Jenifer Estess who recently lost her life to Lou Gehrig's disease. This woman had the most upbeat and positive attitude. She was living life paralyzed in her bed, no husband, no kids and honestly was not complaining. Talk about keeping me level-headed.

I look at stories such as that, and immediately have to ask myself, "What the fuck are you complaining about Monique?" I have my health (to an extent) along with an absolutely fabulous (procrastinating) husband. How can I complain because I have no kids? Instead, I am motivated. There are far worse things that could happen to me other than being infertile. I am not denying that it sucks because it does. As I get further along down the road, it sucks more and more.

I have decided to stop counting years and instead focus on my age. Why? Because being 30 and infertile is ok for me right now. When I say, "eight years of infertility" I feel aged beyond my years, as though I am heading off to the nursing home. Screw that! I am in my prime. I am a lot more mature and ready for a child now. Had I had one when I was 22-23, Lord only knows how I might have screwed up my kid.

As of today, (as I sit and wait for Mister Cottontail - debating whether I should pee on a stick) I am starting over. I am wiping my slate clean of everything. I am forgetting about the tests, the blood-work, the HSG's, the IUI's, the IVF's, and everything else. I am going to go first to my regular doctor, then over to my OB and then to the RE. Ok, maybe not that extreme, (because I do not want another HSG) but I am going to start over.

So, here's to starting over. Next week, I might be singing a different tune, but until then, wish me luck! :)

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