I AM Going To Be A Mother
Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004, 4:23 p.m.

I have moved... visit my new site over at http://infertileme.typepad.com. However, you can still read today's entry below. A few past entry's have not been posted here, so if you want to read those, you will have to go to the new site. Sorry for the inconvinience.

Before I get started, I discovered that getupgrrl put a link to my site from her absolutely wonderfully brilliant blog, Chez Miscarriage. When I saw that I nearly had a seizure and found myself tearing up. Talk about being hormonal. Ashley thinks that I am PMSing. Uh huh. I wish. Anyway, I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who has put links to me on their site. You chicks rock!!

Also, my previous post mentions how I attempted to commit suicide. I want to tell every one that suicide is not and never should be an option in life. At the time I felt that I was trapped and had no way out. However, looking back on the situation (the morning after) I realized that my decision was beyond stupid. One of the things I did (while I laid in bed waiting) was have a very long discussion with God about my life. I swore on everything that if He allowed me to live that I would cherish life everyday and NEVER ever do something that stupid again. Life now is very precious to me. Every moment for me is a learning experience and I live life with no regrets. I am very thankful for having experienced those trials and tribulations associated with my life in New Jersey. I believe with every fiber of my being that had I NOT endured all that, I would not have met Ashley and I most definitely would not be married living the good life. Granted, I complain A LOT about it, but I do love my life. Everything in life happens for a reason... and that to me is enough reason for me to want to see what tomorrow brings.

So, what's been going on here? Nothing, but yet, a lot. I have been sitting here waiting for Mister Cottontail to make his grand appearance. I am on CD 4847837093762. Ok, not really. I believe I am on CD 41 or 42... And still waiting for something to happen. I find it amusing that I decided to start over, go back for testing, and take another swing through the world of infertility and I can't get my damn period to show up. I have never been known for being patient.

While I wait to handle infertility the way Ashley wants to do it, I have been forging ahead with my own plans. I have researching international adoptions and I think that is what I am going to do. I figure if I am going to give someone thousands of dollars, I might as well put it to good use. Ashley wants to adopt from Guatemala, and I want to adopt from China. However, it is not a debate, or something we are fighting about. We have turned it into a little contest of sorts. Ashley is gathering information on Guatemala and I am doing the same for China. We are going to compile the information in a binder and I am going to present it to my parents when I see them in a few weeks. I want them to help me out with it financially, not because we won't be able to necessarily do it on our own. Wait. We can't do it on our own now that Ashley is a slave to the Air Force so their help is a must. I figure if I present them with my new options versus the old ones, they might be willing to help. For me, IVF is no longer an option. I do not want to invest in something that might not happen, when I can instead invest in something that will. At the end of the day, if I adopt, I will have a child.

Last night, I told Ashley that once we got approved, that I was going to go on birth control pills. I don't want to play with fate and find myself pregnant and then leave a child in an orphanage because I was careless. I think my comments caught him off guard. It's not that I don't want to have his child; it is just that I would feel SO guilty if committed to adopting and then messed up the process by getting pregnant. A lot of countries are strict about the time between birth and adopting. Later on the evening, Ashley asked me if I would feel bad later on in life if I did not have my 'own' baby. HA! I promptly told him no. I have never ever been overcome with desire to give birth. I would love to have a baby, but the idea of pushing, tearing screaming, recovering, and so on does not appeal to me AT ALL. So, having the ability to have a child and skip the need for an epidural sounds GREAT to me. If this makes me less of a woman, then so be it.

I have more to say, but it is Pamper Monique day so I am off to get my nails done with Shannon. I love these days. I just heard Ashley pull up and I said I'd be ready when he got here. I am so far from being ready, it's not even funny. I'll type more when I get back.

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