Packing Up The Baby Dreams
Friday, Apr. 16, 2004, 12:27 p.m.

Before I start, I want to thank everyone for their wonderful emails and comments and cyber hugs and expressions of support. Yesterday by far, has been one of the worst days of my life. I know that may sound drastic considering my current health status and the miscarriages and so forth. But after 10 years of living in this ball of stress, it all just exploded at once and hit me like a brick.

I guess what really happened was that I needed a moment to grieve. So many people look to me for support... as a wall to lean on, that a lot of the things that affect me, get pushed aside. Yesterday I finally had a moment to grieve for all things lost... longing for a child for over 7 years... living in a town I hate... all of this family conflict... being sick for weeks with no end in sight and so much more. So when I saw that entry in my guestbook, I lost it. All morning long I had been deleting comments from anonymous posters, (which is not unusual) before I decided to forget it and leave the last one up. I went back to bed because I was just exhasuted. When I woke up, I was feeling a little better and then BAM, I realize that all along, these attacks were from people I knew... my so-called family.

That entry in my guestbook was amazing. Wow. Just thinking about it now makes me start crying. Who in the hell is this person? I am still asking. They clearly have no idea who I am.

Just got wind of your web site and the unkind things you were saying about your in-laws. Thought I would check it out and saw that the entries had been deleted. Glad to see it, but I think that the damage has been done. Sharing your innermost thoughts with the world can sometimes have terrible consequences. Remember that your in-laws are family, regardless of your feelings.

You should learn to have as much empathy and kindness for those real people in your life as you seem to emit from your site for everyone else.

Wow. Another way to know they don't know me. I give strangers money, let college kids come live in my home. Help my friends pay their rent... and trust me, we are not rich.

You are very talented Monique, and your site shows this. Perhaps you could direct your excess time and energy into projects that could help not only yourself, but others.

What exactly does that mean? All I do is help everyone else. Who is helping me? I am a wife, I work AND go to school. I am a mentor at the college... and so much more.

I don't think I will ever visit your site again so if you have a response - e-mail me.

Good and Ummm... no.

Wish that you had a more open mind and were able to allow yourself to grow up.

You have GOT to be kidding right? Who went and posted all this crap all over my site? No one thought to pick up a phone and contact me privately. No one emailed me. Nothing. It was just decided that I was wrong, everyone else is right, and there is went. ISP's are so nice, cause I got to look and see who, where and how much time was spent on my site. And not enough was spent to know anything. As usual, who wants to get to know me when it's a lot more fun to rip me to shreds. Time for people to realize by now, that I am married to Ashley... we have been together for ten years. So let's say it's now offial. We are staying together. So, it's time to find another project cause the bash Monique one is over. My position as Family Pinata is over. Maybe in your free time you can become a little more open minded and allow yourself to grow up.

Unfortunately for Ashley he came home to a wife in hysterics. I was on the phone with my parents (thank you a million times over mom and dad) and I couldn't speak or express myself. I knew they thought someone had died but you know, when I finally was able to tell them, they understood. No one told me to get over it, to grow up... it was like everyone was waiting for me to show some kind of emotion towards the situation.

Ash has never been a fan of seeing me cry... let alone sobbing so he went on a war path to seek and destroy whoever did it. He started making calls and I finally clamed down enough to voice that I was done with it all. I wanted nothing to do with any of his "people". I even started coming up with new last names for myself. (Villavella, Monroe, Mercado, Menudo, Versace...)

I then put on the most amazing, "Everything is Ok" show. We went to the mall and I got some new books, including a new baby book. We went to dinner and I talked to my best friend. I even came home and started making plans for this whole surragacy thing next year.

And then it hit me.

I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to adopt. I don't want IVF. I don't want any more tests to be run. I don't want someone else to carry my child. I do not want to be a mother.

And that is where I sit today. Still feeling that way. Having no more desires to even bring a child into this nightmare. I don't even want to be in this nightmare. Ashley is like, the most amazing man ever, wanting to have world peace and for everyone to hug and embrace. All night long he was calling these people and making things "ok" and then wanting me to talk to them. Uh, no. I don't want things to be ok.

I remember when my dad was being a lunatic, heh, Ashley cut him the fuck off. There were no ifs, ands or buts about it. And the threat was made, fly right or stay out. And which my biological family, he did the same thing. Ashley can not stand for people to be disrespectful to me... whether it is the mailman or my father. When they do, he calls them on it, immediately. UNLESS, they share the same blood. Cause yesterday one would have though that all that happened was someone said my hair cut was ugly.

I don't want kids to have to live through this drama. And how awful would I feel to have to tell Ashley his family is not allowed near my child? And then what would my child do or feel to know they have family somewhere that mommy has disowned? That mommy won't let grandma come to her house to see them or their father? That is far too much for me to continue to bare. So, I just want to skip the whole process. Is that fair to Ashley? Proprably not. But I really have no strength inside me to continue this fight on my own... let alone to fight for myself and respect for my child.

And I know I do not have kids right now and maybe in 10 years it will be different, but I can't look that far up the road right now. I don't want to. Hell, in 10 years I'll be 40. Who knows what I'll be doing then.

I throw the most amazing pity parties. But this is how I am feeling right now. Maybe my Monday (versus 10 years) my common sense will return and I'll be back in the doctor's office demanding answers and solutions. Although I doubt it. I have been on this "break" for almost 6 months now - which has to be the BEST decision I ever made... but I think it's wise to make the decision permanent. Who the hell knows.

What I do know, is that right now, all want, need and desire is gone. I am soooooo tired. I was up all night, yet again. Tossing and turning. I think my total hours of sleep was a little over an hour. Up 26, sleep 1. My mind is on overdrive. Someone wrote me this morning and told me that I needed a vacation. Some stress-free time away from school and work and this hellish town... and I agree. I need to go and find myself again. I am no longer Monique, but Ashley's wife, the daughter-in-law, the infertile chick, their daughter... I am consumed with this and that. It's time to pack up those baby dreams. I think I am going to start focusing on myself. And THEN people can start calling me selfish.

I think I'll start my quest with a nice manicure and pedicure.

10:57 p.m.

PS - I instead went and got myself a gorgeous Dooney and Bourke bag. It is absolutely me.

Ash and I decided to not give up on a baby, but to just let nature takes its course until we are "ready" to try. In the meantime, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

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