To Be Or Not To Be
Wednesday, May. 19, 2004, 12:13 a.m.

I have moved... visit my new site over at http://infertileme.typepad.com. However, you can still read today's entry below.

...a family of three.

Yesterday Ashley and I had a slight argument on the way home from the cabin. I was talking about adoption. I wanted to get the process started. You know, gather all of the information, start making calls and so forth. It seemed as though as soon I uttered the words, I was shut down. He sounded very much against the idea. It pissed me off greatly because about 5 years ago, we sat down and came up with a detailed plan of how we were going to handle our infertility. If nothing came of all of our testing, poking and prodding by the time I was 31, then we would take the adoption route. We would lighten the modd by sayin that we were going to adopt a girl from China and name her Ling Xiaoyu (after the adorable character on from Tekken 3). He was so excited about the plan and then yesterday he seems bothered by it. He suggested that I return to taking my BBT every morning and repeat ALL of my infertility testing. I think if it were him being poked with a dildo-cam he wouldn't be so eager for ME to go back and get it done yet again. I was livid.

Needless to say we sat in silence for quite a bit.

After a while he spoke up and said that he was not opposed to adopting, he just did not want to jump the gun. He thinks if I put all my eggs (haha) in that basket, I won't continue trying to have one of my own. I don't think that is true, but I suppose he has a point. At the end of the day, I agreed to go back and start from scratch and he said he was ok with going forward with the adoption process. He says 'adoption process' like tomorrow I am going to run out and pick up a child. All I want is to get started.

Anyway, today he decided to drive me up to Lubbock to have lunch. Two hours is a long way for lunch, but I was game. We ended up stopping at Michael's and I grabbed some stickers and papers. I am a neurotic scrapbooker. Living in good 'ol Shitville, there is no place for me to go to fulfill my need for new supplies so Michael's was a very welcomed sight. I got some cute items that will help me enhance my pictures from the trip.

After that, we went to Barnes and Nobles. I had to grab some magazines so that I could get some fresh ideas for my scrapbook pages. These days they are doing all kinds of shit in scrapbooks so I knew I couldn't head home without my Creating Keepsakes and Memory Makers magazines. While picking out my 'zines, I remembered I wanted the book Fertility for Dummies so I meandered over to the "Women's Issues" section. The title of the section really offended me... but what could I do? Ashley didn't want the Fertility for Dummies book because he said we were not "there" yet. WTF does that mean? Do we get there at the 10 year mark? I ignored the comment and handed him some other books for him to skim through. We ended up buying The Infertility Survival Handbook (which so far I love) and The Fastest Way to Get Pregnant Naturally. The latter was Ashley's choice... I guess he is really hung up on getting me pregnant.

I left Barnes and Nobles and walked over to Petsmart to get Milagro a new Booda Squeaka. She just loves those squeaky toys... and for some reason, I keep buying them even though the sound at times makes me slightly insane. Every time she gets a new one, she will squeak it until it's broken, even if it takes hours. I also grabbed her a few Dingo balls and bones. Her and Sandy will sit for hours chewing on those things. It's a wonderful distraction when I need to get things done around the house. I think my dogs might be spoiled.

From there, we went to lunch at Chick-fil-A. I lovelovelove Chick-fil-A. There isn't one in Shitville so I either have to drive 2 hours to Amarillo or Lubbock. I love it that much that I don't mind the drive. Usually we go up and spend the night so that it's not rushed, but today was a day trip.

After lunch, I went to Wal-Mart. I do not know why I do this. I hate Wal-Mart. You know, how you go places (when you are infertile, childless, or babylusting) and you see kids and your heart breaks? I go to Wal-Mart and I have to opposite effect. I never want to see a child again once I leave the place. Any and all desire to have kids evaporates from my body. I used to go to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to avoid seeing kids, but there would always be some mother in there at 3 a.m. with her 90 bad ass kids yelling and tearing up the store. Well, today, they were all there at 3 p.m. I was thisclose to running through the store screaming like a psycho. There was a child, maybe 8 or 9, on the heavy side, squatting in the front of the cart - you know, the part you sit in. She was singing "Mary had a little lamb" over and over and over. I wanted to choke this girl. Her mother just pushed her through the store, never uttering a word. My mother would have told me to shut the hell up on my 2nd "Mary had..." On top of that, there were other children screaming and yelling while parents watched. Is there some point in time where, as a parent you cease caring? Where your child can totally take over a store with the sound of their screams and you just keep on walking? When I was little, my mother had 'the evil look'. I have never been hit by my mother... but even now I fear the what if factor of her smacking the crap out of me. I don't even think it's about me getting hit... I see her killing me. How this came about (since she has never hit me) is something I will explain later on. But... I can assure you, one evil glance, or a threat to take me out to the car was all I needed to get me back in line. So, what exactly has changed in the past 30 years? It makes me a little worried.

Upon leaving Wally World we started making our way back home I went and got myself a new BBT Thermometer and then to Kinko's to make copies. Kinko's is one of those places I used to obsess over and after three years of not having one nearby I just had to find one and sit in it for a few minutes. I really miss Big City living.

I had a really nice day though. (More fun than spending 4 days in the woods with a sick husband.) We are already making plans to head back in about a month. I am taking off to Atlanta to see my mom next month and I suggested we drive up to Lubbock the night before the flight so we can have a nice night out. I figure since Ashley has to drive me to the airport we should enjoy the time together. I miss the days of having an airport somewhere nearby. To me, two hours is too far - and that explains why I don't travel like I used to.

All right, it's bed time for me. I am on this "waiting for mister cottontail" point in my life. Hope has drifted to the back corner of my mind. But now, because I know I was doing that baby dance thing, I am paranoid that I just might be pregnant. I don't want to take any prescribed or OTC drugs but in the same breath,

I don't want to pee on a stick.

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