You're A Little Late, I'm Already Torn
Monday, Jun. 07, 2004, 7:15 p.m.

I have moved... visit my new site over at http://infertileme.typepad.com. However, you can still read today's entry below.

Wow... life has been hard this weekend. Talk about being torn in 18 different directions.

Ashley and I are doing it... the adoption that is. We have decided to go with CCAI, which so far has met my every expectations and then some. I have looked at Holt International and A Helping Hand but the information I requested has YET to arrive and that gives me pause. How long do they take to correspond with their clients? Plus, CCAI deals only with adoptions in China, and that puts a lot of my worries at ease. They are also in Colorado, which means I can get in my car and drive up there if I ever need to. Anyone else adopting from China who might have a suggestion before I take the leap? If so, email me or leave a comment please.

I am so eager and overjoyed that I have begun to make feel sick to my stomach. Talk about annoying. "Hey, I am soooooooooo happy!! Excuse me while I go hurl." As far back as I can remember I have wanted to have a daughter. A little girl that I would name Victoria. I have always been torn about the name because it sounds so 'old'. But then, to me it is so eloquent and beautiful. I do not want anyone to shorten it and call her Tori or Vicki, but I know... I know it's going to happen. I'll probably be the first one to break the cardinal rule. Before Ashley and I got married, we decided that WHEN (not if) we had children, we would come up with some creative combination of our names. After hours of brainstorming we came up with Queley and Leyque. So it was decided our daughters name would be Victoria Leyque. It is so far beyond me to think that possibly in a year and a half, she could be here with me. With us. When we discuss the adoption and what to do, we use the name now. In passing we will say, "I am going to work on Victoria's room" or "Should we save this for Victoria?� I am on cloud nine.

I have been working on setting up my finances... My credit isn't the prettiest thing in the world. But what I am hoping is that that won't matter. I can afford this adoption without taking out loans or affecting my credit any further. Once she is here with us everything else is taken care of. TriCare will cover her immediately, we have books and toys and clothes. A network of friends who have girls, so clothes will never be an option. Plus our house is a children's den of fun because of our goddaughters. But, will any of that matter? Will they look at my past credit faux pa's and judge me on that? I'll just die.

So with that in mind, I have begun my search for an agency to do my homestudy. Living in New Mexico somewhat has my hands tied on searches. I found one about 4 hours away which is relatively cheap. It will run about $850 plus $250 for a transfer of documents fee. People were telling me that it would cost me upwards of 3k. I almost passed out at that news.

Once I thought I had crossed all my major hurdles, I got a call from my mother. I had told her that I was planning on adopting and she had questions about it. I KNEW that was going to happen. I did not want to have the conversation over the phone. I have compiled a binder (one of those 5 inch-ers) full of information that I wanted to present them. But, there she was on the phone, so I told her.

Me: I am doing an International adoption mom.

Her: What?

Me: International... I am going to go abroad and get a baby.

Her: Like a Chinese baby?

Me: Yes Ma'am.

Her: So you are getting a Chinese baby?

Me: I am going to try.

Her: Why?

Me: Why?

Her: Why?

Me: Ummmm... cause I want a baby and if I am going to give someone 15 thou-

Her: WHAT?

Me: It cost 15 thou-

Her: 15 thousand DOLLARS? As in money? American money?

Me: Yes ma.

Her: Well, I got you for practically nothing. Why are you paying someone that much for a baby? Shouldn't they be paying you?

Me: That is not logical thinking mommy.

Her: Who are you giving 15 thousand dollars to?

Me: An agency

Her: HA! Those people are going to take your money and run with it and then you'll be stuck with no money and no baby.

Me: I am not getting a baby from an alley.

We then went in this circle of her talking about the cost, and WHY I was going to give strangers my money. I tried to explain to her that I was dealing with an agency that has been around for over 10 years, but she wasn't hearing any of that. We talk about doing IVF, and I had to explain that um, it's still 15k and there are no guarantees. No more body torture for me!! So, she suggested a donor. When I told her the cost for some of those eggs, she let out some time of painful squeal. Then all of a sudden we turned into the mother and daughter from Absolutely Fabulous.

Her: Nikki, people will know that baby is not yours.

Me: Well DUH ma.

Her: Get a mixed baby!

Me: A mixed baby?

Her: Yeah, a mixed baby!

Me: Mixed with what ma?

Her: Something like you and Ashley...

Me: Like a Spanish baby?

Her: Yeah.

Me: Mommy... I would still have to pay 15 thousand or MORE if I do a private adoption. Plus, there are no guarantees that the mother won't change her mind.

Her: Make her sign something that says she won't

Me: It's not that simple.

Her: It is if you make it

Me: I'd rather something with a guarantee

Her: But there is no guarantee when you give someone in China money and they steal it

All I could do at this point is laugh. She is really worried about me going to China and something happening, so I chose to wait to invite her to join us when the moment arrived. She went on for a bit longer about the mixed baby and then she finally gave up. She said she would support me in whatever decision I made. I told her thank you and that her support should be really evident when I talk to my dad about it. She said she would stick by me, and for that I am very grateful. CCAI sent me a DVD that I am going to show them, and I know they will be moved the same way I was. As we were hanging up the phone, she felt the need to add really quick before her I love you...

Her: You know, fifteen thooooooooousand dollars is a down payment on a house.

Gotta love her.

Ashley called his family... I won't even get into what his mom had to say.

After all the calls, I was torn... I had several days of questioning my decision. Am I being selfish bringing a baby into this chaos? How will my in-laws treat her? How will the rest of the family treat her? Will I be a good mother? Will she feel loved?

Hell yeah she will feel loved. I do not care what anyone in my family has to say. I am going to go through with the adoption. I am going full force 100%. Ashley and I ourselves, are an International Melting Pot. I do not doubt our love of all things, of all people, of all cultures will be passed onto Victoria. Ashley will enjoy learning about her culture as much as he will enjoy teaching her about it.

But yet, a small part of me still feels torn.

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