Smiling Face with a Heavy Heart
Friday, May. 07, 2004, 11:32 p.m.

Today my best friend Shannon graduated and I was so proud. Hell, I am still proud. I went to the graduation all dressed up wearing this overly spring-like suit and high heels. I sat high up on the balcony beaming. She had been selected to speak during the ceremony so they did this little introduction about her which lasted several minutes. All I could do was sit back and smile like she was my daughter. (The young man who spoke after her - who is like some big shit at the college had an intro that lasted less than a minute.)

When she got up to speak, she looked good. She had on some sharp ass pink shoes... she spoke so eloquently discussing her life as a single mother of two and how when she was in labor with her youngest daughter, she was afraid she would miss something important in class so she refused to leave. The audience laughed along with her during her jokes... I couldn't help but to look around and see people nodding and smiling while she spoke.

Towards the end of the speech she thanked her family, naming each of her parents, grandmother, her two daughters Gahbrielle and Devynne, and then a combined thank you to her family, extended family, and friends. As she closed her speech she said, "And you too Mo". I almost started bawling.

When it was her turn to walk across the stage to receive her degree, they announced she was receiving not one, but three degrees; all with honors. We all started clapping and whooping and hollering. Ashley yelled out, "We love you Shannon" and with that it was over. We sat through the remaining names, and then headed out, smiling for people taking pictures and hugging other friends who were there.

We had originally planned to go to dinner, but Shannon said she was tired and wanted to go home. I gave her the flowers and balloons we had brought for her, spoke a little more and headed home.

But yet, even with all the pride and happiness I feel for Shannon, I sit here with such a heavy heart. A heart so heavy it is hurting.

Right as I sat to write this, I looked up and realized, tomorrow is THAT day. The day I have been doing my best to avoid. A day I was hoping would come and go without so much as a mention. But I guess that isn't going to happen. Just when I think I have adjusted to life without a child it all comes rushing back. Every year I have to spend this dreadful day wondering what I am doing wrong. Why don't I have kids? Why do all these awful mothers who hate their kids get to have children? Why did my cousin get pregnant not once but twice only to leave her children with her mother and disappear? All I have ever wanted was to be a mother.

I think I am just going to crawl into bed and stay there. I'll rejoin life on the 9th.

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